Minutes of the DLS: February 9, 1995

Second Officer’s Log: Stardate 9502.17

(Yes, we’re back to the Star Trek theme.)

(Why? Because this way, I can recycle jokes, and the alumni will never ever know. Unless someone squeals.)

The ship on the viewscreen loomed ominous. “Captain,” a miscellaneous unnamed ensign in Red piped up. “Captain, it’s the Brickheap, sir.”

The Captain spun his intergalactic wheelchair around to face the viewscreen. “The Brickheap, eh?” He smiled a grim smile.

“All hands to battle stations. Lt. Cmdr Stapp, break out the photon whatsits, and STOP doing push-ups on the bridge, consarnit, you’re buff enough. Lt. JG Stuart, step back from your freshman harem and read this viewdisplay thingy. Lt. Merritt, stop eyeing your hair in the mirror and get over here and adjust the shield harmonic whatosits. Ms Minicozzi, Ms Minicozzi, I’m afraid you will have to removed your clothes. Ms Handler, you too. On second thought, no, don’t. Spark! Sparky, start taking notes or something. Isn’t that your job? Number One, find that camera, I want a good shot of my bald spot as I talk with the enemy.”

The captain, RedBeard Pegleg Patcheye Forest Glenn Tiberius Gump Morrison the 5th wheeled about, barking so many orders his denturegrip had a hard time keeping up.

“Captain, a message is coming from the Brickheap. They’re hailing us, sir.”

“Well, of course they are. On screen.”

A face loomed upon the viewscreen. “Mister President, Officers, Brothers and Sisters of the Brickheap Illiterary Society, Most welcome guests, allow me to present my resolution. Resolved: Cows are people, too.”

There was a thunderous drone of applause from the Ship Across the Way. And the voice droned on and on. “Move to extend Brother Tweedledum’s time by 75 minutes!” “Second!” “Seeing no objections, Brother Tweedledum’s time is extended by 75 minutes.”

“Thank ya, Sister Tweedledee, for extending my time. You know, this reminds me of a poem I once read.”

And on, and on, and on. It kept going, and going, and going. Worse than that Damn Yankee rabbit.

“Cut transmission.” The President commanded.

“Sir! I can’t, they’ve jammed it somehow.”

“Jammed?”

And on and on it droned.

“Captain! Captain do something.”

The meeting was called to order at 7:20 PM
Ms Tomlinson was appointed critic for the evening.

The Society recognized one first time guest and no second or third time guests.

Ms Bertlesbeck petitioned the Society for membership, delivering a virgin address on coffee. Boy is it good. It’s even better in coffee houses. Coffeehouses are just GOOD.

Ms Bertlesbeck was admitted to membership. After all, with a name like Bertlesbeck, she has to be good.

The Society then moved into Committee reports.

The Ever-Anal Mr. van meter, the committee report machine rose on behalf of the Financial committee. Dues are past due, he said. Pay now. He also asked the Society to approve $150 for the all night meeting.

The committee report was approved.

Ms B Polentz rose next, as Chief Justice, to threaten bodily harm on members who did not pay the nine dollar key deposit increase.

Mr. McAllister rose with a list of things needed for the All-Night meeting. He reminded the Society of the cleanup this Wednesday, and thanked the elder Polentz for all her work on this year’s meeting.

Mr. Kaiser rose on behalf of, what else, the Hall Preservation Committee. Mr. Vila, I mean, Mr. Kaiser spoke of the Society moving into a new phase in the restoration of the Hall.

The Society then moved into Old or Unfinished Business, and Mr. Morrison wheeled his wheelchair to the podium.

Mr. Morrison rose to speak against the constitutional amendment that was presented last week. He feels he was justified in enforcing the dreaded Article 7, Section X, and is disappointed in the membership for not speaking with him on the matter. He announced the article would no longer be enforced and that untabling the resolution would be an embarrassment to the Society, when alumni would have to hear all about it in next week’s minutes. He would much rather have them hear about the Society adjourning due to lack of quorum.

Mr. Shonek rose next, to speak of his father, and to read some of his father’s writing on the subject of lost love ones and remembrance. How you remember someone is more important than any monument could ever be.

The Society then moved into New Business.

Ms Sullivan rose to yield the floor to Mr. Merritt.

Mr. Merritt graciously accepted the floor to present the Articles of Impeachment, castigating the President. He used really big words. And here they are.

Whereas for 192 years the Demosthenian Society has cultivated a correct mode of speaking, qualified through practice the expression of our views in an effective manner, and

Whereas the sanctification and eminence of the aforementioned ambitions of this Society lay vulnerable to derision, derogation, and multiple anathema, and

Whereas the indemnity of said organization is the substratal responsibility of elected officers, relegating the execution of official duties of office to the utmost magnitude, when engaging in business in said organization, and

Whereas in the occurrence of impropriety, dereliction of duty, heinous, malicious, and/or general miscreant behavior by the officers of the Society, that stringently appropriate action be administrated in efforts pursuant to adjudication and readication of administrative insolvency, and

Whereas violations of a diverse and severe nature have occurred this Winter Quarter, committed in a foreboding and sinister manner, by the individual serving in the capacity as President of said Society, one Glenn V. Morrison, that Articles of Impeachment be valiantly charged hither, during the early morning hours of February 18, 1995. A PRIORI

The Charges are as follow, and they are indisputable:

1. Dereliction of duty.

2. Self-evasion of the mind.

3. Deprivation of reality.

4. Moral Turpitude.

 

Possessed with ethical Justification and moral indignation,

A whole lot of people.

 

Mr. Sheahan then rose to provide the Society with an introspective look at the American Legal system with his resolution,

Be it Resolved: That OJ Simpson is not able to receive a fair trial,

Be it Resolved: That OJ Simpson should be let free.

Respectfully Submitted,

Matthew Sheahan,
Jenine Minicozzi.

Mr. Merritt then rose to say that reality is not ideal Yes, there is no way for a fair trial. Who cares? The existing system of jurisprudence is fine. The solution is not in freeing him. He opposed the resolution.

R Barnett was for the resolution. Since OJ has such a high chance of not being convicted, he obviously cannot have a fair trial. The trial is thus, a waste of time, and should be thrown out.

Ms Tomlinson rose to speak of the distinctions we must make between a speedy and a fair trial.

Mr. Morrisson wheeled to the floor again, stopping to pick up his dentures along the way. Who did he leave in the President’s chair? Why, that Secretary fella. What was he thinking?

Mr. Morrison said that frankly, the trial wasn’t very interesting to begin with.

Ms Sullivan rose opposed to brain dead people in our courts, serving on juries.

Mr. Meadders wanted his whole speech quoted in the minutes, and here it is:

“I will be short - my one second is - Who really cares?”

Ms Minicozzi rose to say, “Stop laughing!” She then went on to speak of her serious addiction to soap operas, soap operas she was missing due to OJ.

Mr. Weaver rose to propose his own little conspiracy theory. The stamp people killed Nicole Brown Simpson, so that sales of the OJ stamp would skyrocket.

Mr. Stuart rose to announce that OJ is getting a fair trial, and that Johnny Cochran is a better lawyer than he is. Wonderful.

Mr. Hudson rose to propose his own conspiracy theory. The Florida citrus growers are obviously behind the plot.

Ms Spornberger rose to say that OJ is getting a very speedy trial, thank you very much. And besides, America is addicted to the trial. You can’t stop now.

Ms B Polentz rose to agree with Ms Spornberger. Americans do nothing but waste time. Look at this resolution.

With that, the question was called, and the resolution failed by a vote of 4 to 13.

Mr. McAllister rose to cry, ‘Vengeance is Mine!’ as he presented his resolution:

Be it Resolved: The Death penalty should be abolished.

Submitted in the name of justice and economic sanity.

Sean T. McAllister

Mr. Pyrdum, me, rose to oppose the resolution. The problem with the death penalty is not the concept itself, but the implementation. If the justice were served quickly, it would deter.

It is here noted in the minutes that at 9:30 PM Robert Toombs rejected the offering of tasty Total cereals that had been placed before him previously.

Mr. Barnett then rose to agree with the resolution. The death penalty is a waste of our time. He supported corporal punishment as a substitute.

Mr. Weaver rose opposed to the resolution. Limit the number of appeals to two, and make justice immediate. We could use Draino, he proposed, and this would not be in violation of the cruel and unusual punishment dealie, as long as we did it twice in rapid succession.

Mr. Sheahan opposed the resolution, because the death penalty is the one way to assure felons serve time.

Ms K Polentz was confused. How can the death penalty be made more serious? It’s death, that’s as serious as it gets. She also added, in the same serious manner, that we should genetically identify potential killers and use them as food.

Soilent Green is people! It’s people!

A motion was then made to change the time of next week’s meeting to 7:00 PM on Friday the 17th. Wow, guess what? It passed.

Ms Tomlinson rose to applaud juries that can serve as a way to let loose those who are unjustly charged, or those who punishing to the full extent of the law would be grievous injustice.

The motion was called and the resolution failed by a vote of 5 to 8.

Ms Spornberger rose to present the following resolution:

Resolved: "Uh huh, or something."

Mr. Sheahan was disgusted by the resolution and refuse to dignify it with a vote.

Ms K Polentz rose to tell us to ‘lighten up.’ This Society takes itself WAY too seriously.

The Society then halted new Business due to lack of quorum. A motion was made to adjourn the meeting, subject to Ms Tomlinson’s critic’s report.

The Society adjourned at 10:08PM.

The Captain slicked back his five strands of hair nervously, eyeing the viewer. And still they droned on and on. “Brothers and sisters, A cow... what’s a cow? By any other name would smell as sweet.”

“Move to extend Brother Dumb’s time by 270 minutes. Second. No objections. Thank you Brother Dumber.”

“Captain, Captain do something, before he starts grazing!”

The captain looked at Lt. JG Stuart. “Do something. Have you no theories?”

“Damn Yankee, Glenn. I’m a gigolo, not a chief engineer.”

And on and on the Brickheapers droned.

“Lt. Stapp, can’t your buffness help? Use your lambchops, man, do something, anything!”

And on and on the Brickheapers droned.

“Ms Handler, go get that shirt. You know, /that/ shirt. See if you can’t distract them.”

And on and on the Brickheapers droned.

“What can I do? What can I do?” The Captain gnashed his dentures and soiled his Depends he was so nervous.

“Just like clockwork,” the Secretary muttered over the minutes.

“Hmmmmm.” The Captain frowned and began counting crew members. “One, Two, Skip a few, three four, skip some more.”

The Captain nodded. “Yes, yes of course. That’s it! I’m afraid we’ll just have to move to end the minutes, due to lack of quorum. We have only 16 crew members present, and quorum for this ship is 17. And as buff as Mr. Stapp is, he isn’t 2 people.”

And the Minutes were called due to lack of quorum.

Submitted respectfully, this seventeenth day of the second month of the year of our Lord, 1995.

Carl S Pyrdum III,

Secretary.