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The “D”-Philes,
The Story So Far...
Special Agent “Bambi” Choi awoke
this morning as he always did, curled up in the fetal position under
Ms. Yarber’s bed. He ran to the shower and stopped in stunned
amazement by the sliding glass door. Through the dense fog that had
collected on his glasses the moment he entered the room, he could
make out the vague figure of someone in the shower before him. It
was. . . Gerry Fitzgerald?
“I thought you were dead,” screamed
Bambi. But Gerry calmly grabbed a towel from off of Ms. Moultrie’s
lovely frame and recounted the events of the last nine weeks, the
events that led then to this point...
“Well, of course, it all started out
with that shape-shifter Ms. Polentz (alumna). She used her wiles
and stock in a Coca-Cola factory to pilfer the arch-conservative
death ray from Prof. Pyrdum, ensnaring immediately Messrs. Weir and
Weaver, who then corrupted the innocent young Missesses Ramirez and
Visser in an effort to continue failed top-secret Nazi-American
experiments in a master race, which would include, at some point,
the creation of Ms. Richie out of spare gumball machine parts and a
tennis racquet.
“Her plan went dangerously awry,
however, when our young, stolid stalwarts Sub-Commander Bowman and
Ms. “Ace” McKinney came in contact with the ray and the shockwave
was heard throughout at least three buildings on North Campus. This
ensuing shockwave had strange gender and pigmentation effects on
several members, including Ms. Hudson and Mr. Shillington. I t only
partially began to effect the speech patterns of Mr. Shumaker, who
was busy hiding behind Mr. Magda with a 40-ounce. Just then, Mr.
Magda removed his overcoat, and several layers of Armani, to reveal
Mr. Guy, who was growing out of his abdomen and muttering something
about the illuminati and a cut on capital gains taxes.
“Meanwhile, back on the ranch, Mr.
Smith, a recent UFO escapee was calmly eating a piece of cherry pie
and explaining to cub reporter (and part-time greeter at Wal-Mart)
Ms. Tomlinson, that these UFO things happen all the time. Suddenly,
he spied, in the next room, a sultry Ms. Brignac and an
out-of-breath Mr. Miller having a conversation which did not involve
Louisiana or Libertarians. This sent Mr. Smith shaking from the
restaurant, chain-smoking Morleys, and muttering to himself ‘I want
to believe! I want to believe!’ Mr. Hortman and Ms. Cunningham were
unavailable for comment.
“All
the while, unbeknownst to anyone, a steely-eyed Ms. Mingledorff
surveyed the situation with glee, her master plan coming to
fruition. Quietly, she assembled a ragtag group of mutants and
biological mistakes, including Messrs. Slone and Stevenson (both
part of a failed attempt at cloning by a Clinton cabinet task
force), and she forced them, via subcutaneous implants, to join the
society and succumb to her every twisted whim. When Mr. Brantley
and Mr. Fonseka objected, they were never heard from again When Ms.
Polentz, or “worm boy”, got wind of this diabolical plot, she
decided she needed a proven leader for her army against the minions
of Mingledorff. So I was thawed out from my cryogenic stasis under
Carnegie-Mellon and sent into your shower. Now, do you understand?”
Our hero, Special Agent “Bambi” Choi
did not understand. Ever since the three-picture deal with Miramax,
his head had been swimming with confusion. “Help me Chris Carter,
You’re my only hope... (static) Help me Chris Carter, you’re my only
hope!” The next thing he knew, he had blacked out, and awoke with a
gavel in his hand.
The meeting was called to order at
7:35. One first-time guest was recognized and applauded. Mr.
Stevenson, by way of Mr. Slone, was appointed critic. We then
proceeded directly into programs without passing go. Today’s
program was the Oration/Declamation, and some great speeches and
original presentations were heard. The judges 3 will have a hard
time on their hands trying to figure out how to spell my name.
One guest, Mr. Dallas, petitioned
the society for membership and was accepted.
In Committee Reports:
Ms. Shillington rose to announce plans for the spring banquet. Mr.
Shumaker rose to announce that point claims were due from committee
heads. Mr. Bowman reported on the lock change stalemate; and Mr.
Van Meter rose to announce that Geeks and Freaks can include members
tliroughout the year. How true.
There was no old business, and in
New Business: Mr. Van Meter rose again to talk of the long-standing
rivalry between the two societies. Our kindness to them has been
returned in the form of theft and personal attacks. He presented:
Whereas, those who currently refer to themselves with the foulest
phonetics ever uttered by man have seen fit to pervert the
relationship that has historically existed across the quad through
theft, deception, and personal attack, Be It Resolved, The
Demosthenian Literary Society shall cease relations with the
denizens of the Heap, including Intersociety Meetings and Debates,
for a period of five years, with all Heapers required to strictly
follow the regulations set forth in the Hagan letter, as
constitutionally required. Be It Further Resolved, The Heap will be
able to petition the members of our Society for a reinstitution of
relations after the 5 year hiatus, at which time a treaty may be
established to govern our relations. Be It Finally Resolved, A
letter shall be sent to the members of the rival society informing
them of their new status. Respectfully Submitted, Ryan J. VanMeter,
Nancec L. Tomlinson, Philip L/K Gable, Howard Brantley, Nishan
Fonseka, Rebecca Richie, Jeff Slone, Lisa Moultrie, Tiffany
McKinney, and two names I can’t read.
Mr. Choi: Roused in a fit of passion
from the bench, said that we should call the other society on their
wrong-doings, and that ignoring them will not make them go away.
Said this resolution has serious repercussions, and we should think
hard about it. Some action is necessary.
Mr. Pyrdum said that he is one of
the most hated members of this society by the other, but the only
sort of rivalry they seem to want is name-calling and physical
confrontation. While we continue to interact with them, we give
them the legitimacy that no one else does.
Mr. Bloomfield said that in relating
to other societies, we build skills and solidarity within our own.
We should be up-front with the other society.
Ms. Moultrie said that we shouldn't
just take it, and five years is not permanent. This is just a
resolution, and could be overturned next quarter, but the point it
will prove is important.
Mr. Gable said that the debate was
misrepresented by their PR chair and that the intersociety meetings
and debates do no good to us.
Mr. Shumaker said he is a liar. His
job is to be a diplomat between the two societies, but admitted that
relations between the two societies cannot work as they are now.
Said that talking to them was like talking to a brick wall. I n
short, his job was not fun this year.
Mr. Ellington (alumnus) was here in
the early 80’s when the Brickheap was dead. His society did not need
the Brickheap. We do not need the Brickheap now. This is the best
debate society on campus. The Brickheap may need us, but we do not
need them.
Mr. Fonseka said that he is for
peaceful negotiations, but if negotiations fail, which they have, we
have no choice but to dissolve relations.
Mr. Pyrdum, again, rose to say tat
he, too, knows the personal torture of having to deal with them for
3 years. Less than talking to a brick wall, more like a brick heap!
Mr. Brantley said there should be no
question. He has been disgusted with them for 3 years. We should
all sign the resolution; it shows compassion in the time limit and
the toughness that we need to show
Mr. Slone rose as a new member and
said that his enjoyment of the society will not diminish without the
other society.
Mr. Bloomfield, again, rose to say
that he was not totally against the resolution, and is not totally
new to societal rivalry and brick “heap/pile” misdoings. But he
cannot agree with the five year term; said it should be made
indefinite.
Ms. Tomlinson rose to say that she
was Chief Justice when the memorandum of understanding was undone --
only 3 years ago. We survived without them. We should wait five
years, until the influence of Chicken Fried Rice, T. Kyle King (I am
so fined), and that short kid are gone.
Ms. Mingledorff asks will this stop
the aggression? Also, has not seen the mutual respect that most
rivalries have. Said that there is a such thing as a joke, and then
there is theft.
Mr. Hudson said that there were only
14 of the 34 voting members of the society present and that this is
a decision that will affect the society long after many of the
current membership have gone. He agrees with the sentiment, but not
the execution.
Mr. Choi rose, again, to say that he
wants the society across the way and the Demosthenians to overturn
this resolution and some point in the future, and hopes that one day
the two societies can have a healthy, civil rivalry with one
another.
After many a mysterious and mystical
motion, a roll-call vote was declared by the sheer force of will of
our interim president. The results: twelve yeas, one nay and three
abstentions led the resolution to a pass.
The society moved to adjourn at
11:35 subject to Mr. Stevenson’s critic’s report.
President “Bambi” Choi awoke this
morning as he always did, curled up in the fetal position in a loft
apartment somewhere on Washington Street. He ran to the shower and
stopped in stunned amazement by the sliding glass door. Through the
dense fog that had collected on his glasses, he could make out the
vague figure of someone in the shower before him. It was... Mr.
Stuart?!?
“I thought you were dead,” screamed
Bambi, but Mr. Stuart calmly grabbed a towel from Mr. Gable’s lovely
frame and recounted that the events of the last nine weeks had all
been a dream.
“You mean, I wasn’t president? But
....... my gavel?”
“I'll take that,” grabbed Mr.
Stuart.
“And what of Ms. Polentz?”
“Still single.”
“And Mr. Weir?”
“Still conservative.”
“Ms. Shillington?”
“Still a white girl.”
“Mr. , Mr. Fitzgerald?”
“Still dead.”
“But... but I was president, I was!
And you were there Mr. Stuart! And you were there. And you. Even
Toto, too.”
“Woof!” Toto agreed.
“Hi-Ho!” said Kermit the Frog.
“You are correct!” spoke Ed McMahon.
“It's. . . It’s not all that good,
really,” cried a bad imitation of Dr. Parkes
“But it doesn’t matter,” decided Mr.
Choi finally, “because tomorrow is another
day; I’ll never
go hungry again, and sitting on the bench was getting old. Although
I have to say, I’ll miss the view, not to mention the raw,
Unchecked, POWER!! Oh well.” And back to the gallery he went. The
Queen is dead! Long live... NEXT!
Respectfully
submitted this Twenty-Ninth day of May, Nineteen Hundred, Ninety
Seven,
Leonard D.
Hudson, Secretary
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University of Georgia 