The Minutes of the Demosthenian Literary
October 23rd, 1997
After the breakdown of 'M,' our heroes
Double-O-Dave and 'Q' were awaiting new orders from their boss.
They figured that after he had a couple beers, and a couple laughs
at their expense, he'd be as right as the rain. Unfortunately, The
Boss was too far gone...All he could do was run way too far way too
fast, chasing something that was only a figment of his imagination
. And then brag to everybody about it. And that was it.
Consequently, with the absence of 'M',
the Demosthenian Secret Service also went the way of the dinosaurs,
and the intrepid Dave and 'Q' were left out in the cold. The
Headquarters' door was locked, and the two had to begin to fend for
themselves. 'Q' decided that he really hated being called 'Q,'
because, "My name is Jeff!!" He then proceeded to go follow his
real love in life, and became a roadie for R.E.M. For the rest of
his life, he made sure that the guitars were all in tune, and to
procure women for the boys in the band. He always seemed to be good
at that type of thing anyway.
With the departure of his pal Jeff,
Mr. Stevenson was left all alone. After seeing that his two buddies
were following something that they believed in, he decided that
doing the same was probably a good idea too. At that moment, Dave
chose to leave the ranks of the Super-Secret Agent/Playboy/Man of
International Intrigue and Mystery, and to back to where it all is
really at: Scotland.
After shedding his Armani tuxedo for a
cruddy T-shirt, ripped jeans and a lab coat, Dave caught the next
flight to Glasgow, and began to contemplate his future with his
beloved Scottish lass. With these thoughts and ruminations, Dave
soon became relaxed, and soon fell asleep with a huge grin on his
A few hours later, Dave was awakened
with a jolt. He found himself on the floor of the airplane, looking
up at this shadowy, long-haired feminine form. He had hit his head
pretty hard, so hard that even his hair hurt. This wooziness
reflected itself in the opening lines of this gray effluvium looming
over him when she said, "Hi, I'm the Becky Monster...Can't I be your
Dave shook his head, trying to shake
the bleary vision that afflicted him so, and replied, "I hope I'm
The meeting was called to order at
7:17 PM, and the Society was joined by one first time guest, Justin
Sanders, and by three second/third time guests, Mr. Calhoun, Mr.
Leuwondowski, and Mr. Pratt. The Society, being the pragmatic and
efficient body that it is, chose to not fight the inevitable, and
allowed Mr. Wells (alum) to find his way into his usual back of the
room haunt. Mr. Pyrdum was appointed Critic, and then Mr. Hortman
presented his Mid-Term State of the Society Speech, in which he
reviewed the goals he set up at the beginning of the quarter.
Evidently, we are doing just fine.
The Society then moved into Committee
Reports, where Ms. Shillington requested more pictures for our page
in the Pandora.
The Society then moved into Old Business.
Mr. Wells (alum) showed everybody his
actually tangible Speakers' Key, and urged the Society to go to
University Spirit, a shop located on top of Baxter Hill to get some
Mr. Bowman took the floor and presented an
alternative plan for the All-Night Meeting and the Hall
Re-Dedication. He urged all members to talk to him and to Mr.
Weaver and Ms. Visser in order to find out more about this issue.
We then moseyed into New Business,
where Mr. Slone leapt to the floor, and presented the following
Be it Resolved: The University of
Georgia should adopt a policy that requires students to report
violations of the Academic Honor Code.
The speaker told of his own experiences
seeing blatant cheating and dishonesty in his some of his classes.
According to him, he really hated this type of behavior because it
hurt both the University and the students that did not cheat.
Ms. Brignac argued that individuals should
take it upon themselves to confront the cheaters on their own. The
cheaters are only hurting themselves, and the Univeristy should not
be responsible for teaching people how to be good.
Mr. Lowe stated that in a perfect world,
this type of thing wouldn't happen. By understanding what cheating
in a collegiate environment is, wasting money, this issue is only
problematic to those that do cheat.
Mr. Stevenson questioned the perceptions and
definitions of cheating, by telling of his experience in study
groups where huge numbers of people come together to figure out
problems. This type of group effort, he feels, allowed him to
learn, and should not be considered cheating, though other types of
cheating are bad, and hurt others and the University as a whole.
Mr. Guy crept into his pulpit, and began to
preach the virtues of possessing a good work ethic. By gaining this
ethic now, good students can become good citizens with a diploma
that hasn't been devalued.
Mr. Pyrdum gloated that he has broken all of
the University's rules, twice. In his opinion, all students should
adopt an "Us versus Them" philosophy with our professors. By having
this "no holds barred" attitude, he personally learns better, and
doesn't need to cheat.
Mr. Bowman cited the HOPE Scholarship, and
stated that those who cheated in order to keep the scholarship were
taking undeserved money. By accepting an attitude that consists of
the statement, "I don't care as long as you don't lie to me," any
type of honor in society goes by the wayside. As a result, by not
tolerating cheating, both society and individuals become better.
Ms. Kravig stated that she was a damn
Yankee, and that she has never cheated. By emphasizing character
over intelligence, one can gain the ability to learn later on in
Ms. Moultrie argued that tattle-tails are
people that can't solve their problems with their peers. In this
sense, peer pressure is the way to solve cheating.
Mr. Shumaker took the floor and stated that
if one works hard enough, one learns to be more efficient. By
working hard, one learns how to do things the right way.
Mr. Hortman argued that cheating in college
in exactly the same as committing a crime in real life. If one sees
a crime committed, one has a responsibility to report it; the same
applies to cheating.
Mr. Norman stated that cheating is an
attitude that makes people incompetent. Instead of turning in
cheaters, there should be a "hit squad" that goes around and roughs
cheaters up a bit.
Ms. Shillington stutter-stepped up to the
podium, and supported the resolution on the grounds that it is a
move away from the ineffectual honor code. By leaving things up to
a person's own individual sense of honor, things will likely fail.
In this way, forcing students to turn others in adds an element of
fear to the toothless honor code of today.
Mr. Lowe told of the effects that privilege
has on the overall educational experience. If somebody has
contacts, one really doesn't need to be educated to succeed in life.
On a vote of 8-7 the resolution
Ms. Brignac took the floor and argued that
not everyone should, or needs, to go to college. The smarter people
should rise to the top. With this in mind, she presented the
Be it Resolved: The HOPE Scholarship
should be eliminated.
Mr. Bloomfield, who writhed in pain
throughout the previous speech, asked how we can determine who is
worthy of being in college. He told of the British Commonwealth
system, in which a series of cuts are made in order to find the top
students. In this process, however, some worthy candidates are left
The speaker was also fined for insinuating
that a previous speaker was a woman.
Ms. Yarber stated that if she didn't get the
HOPE, she wouldn't be able to attend college. She has no time to
work, and by going to a type of trade school, costs would still have
to be endured.
Mr. Bowman argued that people deserve a
chance at an education, and that going into debt is not an effective
way to pay for school. He added that the HOPE Scholarship pays for
trade schools as well as universities and colleges.
Mr. Lowe told of his extensive work
experience throughout high school. Because of the amount he had to
work, his grades suffered. He then argued that those with privilege
didn't have to worry about working, and concluded that privilege
allows for better grades.
Mr. Wells (alum) stated that when he was at
the University, a really, really long time ago, its reputation
suffered due to a type of brain drain: the best students in the
state left to go to colleges outside of Georgia. The HOPE
Scholarship has thus allowed for UGA to improve.
Mr. Pyrdum spoke of medieval times, and
their idea of the celestial hierarchy. On earth, the things that
are sacred are those that mirror the movements of the spheres-things
that have a circular motion. In this way, the highest things move
on their own volition; cream rising to the top is inevitable. In
this sense, the HOPE denies people the motivation to succeed by
creating an artificial means to success.
Ms. Brignac admitted that her first speech
was all a joke, and then proceeded to make all of the arguments she
should have when she presented the resolution. She told about how
she was paying for college herself, and that as a result, the HOPE
Scholarship made her efforts to get into and stay at UGA seem to be
Mr. Lowe drew this whole picture of
President Mel Gibson without any pants, and then he sat back down.
Ms. Kravig argued that school isn't about
grades, it is about being in a collegiate environment. Without the
HOPE, many would be unable to attend college.
Mr. Slone spoke of the ability for society
to grow with an expansion of science, technology and knowledge in
general. With the HOPE money flowing into the University system,
the whole improves, allowing for more benefits for society.
Mr. Sanders (guest) told of the intangible
aspect of going to college; the HOPE Scholarship gives students an
opportunity they wouldn't ordinarily have. By experiencing college,
people are able to hear a different point-of-view, and perhaps thus
rid people of uneducated and harmful attitudes.
Mr. Norman explained his own experience in
the military he worked hard and allowed himself to reap the
benefits. He added that by improving the University System, Georgia
garners more respect.
The question was called, and failed on
a vote of 1-16.
At this point, this real studly chauvinist
pig took assumed the presidency and got a couple of hot mamas to
Ms. Mingledorff took the floor, and
presented the following resolution:
Be it Resolved: If you give it your
best, this truly is a wonderful life.
She opened her speech by giving a beautiful
tribute to her father's best friend, who recently passed away. In
short, what really matters on the headstone was not the two numbers,
it was the dash in between. In this sense, it is what one does with
their life that is truly important.
Mr. Bowman argued that the resolution holds
true under the assumption that one has all of the opportunities,
standard of living, etc., that one has in living in this country.
This resolution is thus not a question for those who have to
struggle every day just to survive.
Mr. Pyrdum fastened his cape, and came to
the Society's rescue as Semantics Boy. He argued that it was very
difficult to judge the quality of someone's life from an external
point of view. In this vein, it is impossible to have any opinion
on this resolution beyond your own personal state.
Mr. Hortman took the floor, and stated that
a wonderful life is being happy. Happiness can be achieved by
Ms. Kravig argued that a wonderful life
requires some sorrow to appreciate the happiness.
Mr. Pratt (guest) stated that Western
standards of living aren't the way to judge if someone has a
wonderful life. This decision is individually defined.
Mr. Lowe read his poem, "Happiness in
Springtime," and stated that this life is a wonderful one, and it
may be the only one we get. (Poem affixed to the back of the
The question was called, and passed on
a vote of 10-2.
Mr. Wells (alum) got the Secretary to read
the following resolution:
Resolved, the State of Georgia should
lift its ban on unprescribed genital-stimulating devices.
The speaker wondered if this type of law was
evidence of government over-stepping its bounds again.
Mr. Bowman was of two minds on the
resolution. According to him, government has no business in the
bedroom, but that the government, on a certain level, has a right to
impose its beliefs on its people. In short, the community has a
right to uphold its rights to have its community.
Mr. Shumaker, a.k.a., "Hot Lips," reminisced
about his pal, Mr. Gable, and his resolution from last fall, "Leggo
that dildo." He argued that these devices have no real deleterious
effects on society, and thus should be perfectly legal. The whole
time, however, Mr. Slone was dying of laughter.
Mr. Stevenson argued that it was dangerous
to have laws on the books that are constantly broken without any
sort of attempt at enforcement. These types of laws makes people
lose respect for all laws. Anyway, "adolescence is tough enough,"
and we should give the 14 year old his toys.
Mr. Bloomfield stated that governmental
control of social behavior will never work because rational beings
cannot be confined in this way. He drew a line between crimes that
violate other people's rights and sex toys. He concluded by
asserting that people have been making their own sex toys for years,
and that this practice will continue with the laws still on the
Mr. Norman took the floor, and told the
Society that psychology does not argue that use of these toys will
make us these real bad people. He also explained that stores
selling this type of item have to have lurid ads to indicate
contents, analogous to the eye sore that is The Fantasy Zone (also
located on Baxter...).
Mr. Slone took the floor, and then
immediately informed his audience of the time. He then burst into
uncontrollable laughter. He then began his speech, and he stated
that it was OK to have a big billboard with Jesus on it, even though
it freaks him out. Consequently, he feels that the government
shouldn't regulate the bedroom.
Mr. Guy, otherwise known as the Voice of the
People, argued for the greatness of Democracy. He asserted that
plenty of people didn't want this type of stuff, and that the
majority should rule in this case.
The question was called, and passed on
a vote of 9-3.
The Society adjourned at 11:25 PM
following Mr. Pyrdum's Critic's Report.
The Becky Monster was hurt. How could
anyone not want to be her lad after she went to all of the trouble
to throw him to the ground and rough him up a bit? At this point,
Dave began to regain his faculties, and began to understand what was
happening to him. He had been chosen to be the next victim of this
creature, and he was really scared.
At that moment, he saw the Becky
Monster stoop down, and then she began to beat him vigorously about
the head and shoulders while he was down on the floor, minding his
own business. He just lay there, shocked, not fighting back, and
soon the Becky Monster began to get frustrated. She said, "You are
no fun...You don't fight good."
With that, she leaned over, and bit
Mr. Stevenson's arm, tearing a sizable chunk of flesh from the
bone. At this point, Dave really began to fear for his life. The
Becky Monster then stood up, smiled evilly, and dove back in for the
kill. All Dave could do was pray, and wait...
Luckily, Dave's prayers were
answered. Also on this plane was a fellow Demosthenian, Ms. Kravig,
who happened to be explaining something to the flight attendant, and
both were standing in the aisle, oblivious to the battle royal going
on near their feet. Just as the Becky Monster sprang, Ms. Kravig
came to a point of emphasis, gesticulated wildly, and knocked the
leaping creature into the beverage cart, where she lay unconscious
for just long enough to have Dave restrain her for captivity and
study by knowledgeable authorities back in Atlanta.
Dave settled back in for the rest of
the long flight, and realized that he had made the right choice.
Leaving Demosthenian intrigue behind allowed Dave to get back to
what mattered most, and went on to live happily ever after.
Seventh week jitters...HAH!!
Respectfully submitted this 30th day of
Michael J. Shumaker