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Demosthenian
Meeting for the 24th of February, 2000
With that, Mr.
Rivner stood before the crowd and began to explain why he was
refusing them their constitutional rights. The crowd before him
consisted of kind-hearted young Republicans who only wanted to
express their political beliefs. The mean, towering Rivner still
refused them entry to the public space they were entitled to use and
so the students that were denied their aforementioned rights as set
out by the hardworking, knowledged forefathers peacefully displayed
their banners outside the perimeter of where Rivner and his cronies
had cordoned off. “But I thought that Demosthenian stood for free
speech and freedom to choose your political party?” Exclaimed an
unwitting young Demosthenian by the name of Webb, “and as Rivner is
our President, doesn’t he represent us at all times, even when not
flying the flag of DLS?” The wise bench officers had no reply to
this and just bowed their heads in shame. Mr. Cohoon was
particularly upset as he had relations with Mr. Rivner outside of
the public limelight. He asked “Will the mean old Rivner ever
change from his barbaric, dictatorship-like ways?”
The meeting
was called to order at 7:30ish with five first time guests present.
Flying through the beginning of business the floor was given to Mr.
Dick to petition the Society for membership. Speaking of an old
dorm and how even though it smelled awful, it was home and he
encouraged us to visit. Mr. Dick was accepted into membership.
Mr. Pyrdum
rudely interrupted at this point to give a committee report about
the upcoming debate with the evil society. After much jesting of
our imminent victory he informed the society of an infallible plan
for a flawless topic, and that even if the plan didn’t go quite as
planned, it was ok, because as we know – PK always chooses
affirmative!
Ms. “Science”
Arnold took the floor speaking of genetically modified crops and how
the threat to humans aren’t all that substantial. She presented: Be
it resolved, Campaigns against genetically modified food, animals,
and crops are meaningless propaganda. Respectfully submitted,
Heather Arnold.
Ms. “Save the
poor” Frawley said that they are real issues and people have genuine
concerns where crops can not be tested in a controlled environment,
and possibly, Europe may be right.
Mr. “Trying to
be Baxter’s Hair” Patton said that modified corn is no threat
compared to the destruction of automobiles and people. The pros was
outweigh the cons.
Ms. “Flash all
of those who dare to look” Moultrie is an organic food freak.
Introduction of a foreign species into the environment can be
devastating, but often it is better than spraying pesticides on
fields.
Mr. Lemoine
(guest) said that humans have to help themselves and change the
environment as need be. People do have experiments to check
progress.
Mr. “Make this
up as I go along” Pydrum said that Bikini Atoll was an experiment.
We have blind trust in science. He pointed out that Europe is
scared because they are real farmers.
Mr. “Economics
wizard” Slone said that the answer to Ethiopia’s problem is
genetically modified corn. Europe isn’t quite up to America’s
consumerism, but it’s catching.
Mr. “Military”
Miller said that people eat better now and that we are able to
reason and adapt emotionally and physically to sustain ourselves.
Mr. “Intel’
Goodhew argued that propaganda is not as meaningless as it seems.
People need to know what is safe to eat without scaring them.
Ms. “I sit in
my $17,000 chair at work” Bennewitz spoke of why America needs to
grow more food to distribute. Also spoke of about fasting for the
church she belongs to.
Mr. “Food
services” Crouse spoke of the relationship between food and
population growth. The problem with famine is distribution, not
growth.
The question
was called and failed 14 to 9.
The gavel fell
again and Mr. “Again, I’m going to pull this from my rear” Pyrdum
took the floor. He spoke of a technology that could be with us
within the decade. A mandated plan by the government which would
make doctors insert a GPS tracking system into every child. He
presented: Be it resolved, when the technology arises to make it
safe, cost-efficient, and unobtrusive, the U.S. government should
see to it that every child born in America is implanted with a
global tracking device, to be removed when they reach the age of
consent. Respectfully, Carl S. Pyrdum III
Mr. “Flaunt it
if you’ve got it” Patton rose and said that if safety was the only
thing this would be an excellent idea. Only safety isn’t the only
issue and he would rather lose a child to a murderer than have him
be tracked.
Ms.
“Mesopotamia” Mikel argued that the people who should have tracking
devices are the prisoners. That is the way to stop the kidnapping.
Mr. “I want
that on my desk yesterday” Goodhew argued again Ms. Mikel saying
that it’s teenagers who commit most petite theft and need to be
tracked.
Ms. “Gotta
have this place clean by tonight” Kravig referred to 1984 and
how the government would have too much control. She also mentioned
insurance agencies and retaining information from parents.
Mr. “Wow, am I
really this old” Goggins said this resolution was good because
children are in danger. The paranoia surrounding this is unfounded.
Mr. “Darn, my
last name is unfortunate” Dick said it was bad because a lot of
parents are paranoid and some parents would abuse the power. Real
parenting is more important.
Ms. “Got
Ovaries?” Mendoza said that it was bad because parents can’t be
relieved of that ‘little nagging feeling’. She also called for more
active parenting.
Mr. Lemoine
(guest) said that the situation would be too intrusive.
Mr. “Watch
out, he’s gotta water pistol” Ramsay said that the parent couldn’t
tell what the child was doing, just where he’s out.
Ms. “Soon to
be Mrs.” Johnson said that the resolution is wrong because it will
not be enforced or implemented in an appropriate manner.
Mr. “Keep it
short and to the point” Roca said we didn’t need this technology.
Ms. “East
Campusophile” Arnold said that this technology would help parents
keep track of their children, and because children don’t have
rights, we should help with parental rights.
Mr. “Chug Chug
Chug” Cohoon said that tracking has a variety of other qualities
behind crime control. This would allow parents to track their
children.
Ms. “Keep my
man in line” Wilson said that it would destroy parent-child
relationships. Children need to gain experience in responsibility.
Mr. “Darn I’m
sex-e” Sloan said that tracking is great because it helps find
kidnapped children. Children’s rights aren’t violated because you
can’t see what they are doing.
The question
was called and a divided membership voted 10 to 13 failing the
resolution. With that the floor was opened and Ms. “Donkey Kong”
Mikel grabbed the floor. She said there are two platforms that need
to debated. N64 and Playstation. Playstation is the most
successful console ever, and so Be it resolved, Playstation is
better than N64. Respectfully submitted, Mekell Mikell.
Mr. “Duck
Hunt” Ramsay said not everybody can write the complex code required
for Nintendo’s console. Nintendo has loyal fans.
Mr. “Pong”
Dick said that N64 has a graphics processor that is lightning fast.
Bond is also 4 times better on Nintendo.
Ms.
“Mariocart” Wilson said that Mario cures her sicknesses. It’s all
about tradition, but all systems are evil.
Mr. “Space
Invaders” Callahan said that the N64 is great and that Resident Evil
II almost killed him.
Ms. “PacMan”
Moultrie said this was like cats vs dogs. Nintendo games don’t have
any plot, just like bad porn. Furthermore, ‘Donkey Kong’ doesn’t
turn her on.
The gaming
industry looked on and saw that Demsosthenian was a majority
Nintendo playing society with the resolution failing 4 to 7.
With that the
floor was given to Mr. “I secretly want to be Republican” Callahan
and he spoke of great stupidness in South America. He presented the
lengthy resolution: Be it resolved that, the mayor of Rio de
Janeiro, Luiy Paulo Canole, should receive the Brickheap award for
his crackdown on topless females on his city’s beaches. Be it
further resolved that, the secretary of Demosthenian Literary
Society shall write a letter to the mayor informing him of our
decision. Be it further, further resolved that, the Demosthenian
Literary Society considers itself “Friends of the Breast.” Be it
further further, further resolved that, the secretary shall write a
letter to Rosemair ala Costa informing her of our aforementioned
declamation. Respectfully, Jeffery Bernard Callahan.
Mr. “I don’t
know what I’m talking about” Goodhew tried to retell the Brickheap
story, failed miserably, expressed his opinion about why this wasn’t
a good resolution, and shamefully sat down.
Reverend “I’m
so much closer to God than you lowly folk” Mr. Wells then told the
story correctly and complained that the resolution isn’t complicated
enough. Suggested that it may be better if the topless bather used
twins as a bathing suit.
The resolution
bluntly failed 3 to 10.
The Society
moved into committee reports and Ms. “I have all the money”
Bennewitz gave one, which was promptly accepted.
The Society
then adjourned subject to Mr. “I’m still this old?” Goggins’ 3 and a
half minute critics report.
Demosthenians
organized a meeting without the evil Rivner to discuss his removal
from his office. It was announced officially two weeks before at a
meeting as set out in the DLS constitution and they arranged it for
the same time Young Democrats were going to have a meeting. This
way they assured that both Mr. Rivner, and his henchman Mr. Callahan
would not be present. Needless to say, at the meeting people were
more than willing to take out Mr. Rivner. But it was Ms. Frawley,
George W. Bush’s biggest fan, that finally agreed to hire the hitman.
Ms. Frawley loved Bush because of his religious and racial
tolerance, excellent tax plan, and his ethical use of cocaine.
Rivner, being a supporter of Gore. “Gore is obviously the right
choice for Demosthenians” said Rivner in a not to distant future
interview, arguing “Gore created the internet – what more could you
want? He’s good about fundraising and keeping his views straight,
never lying, always honest.” Anyway, enough of this political talk
– The end result was Demosthenian ousting Rivner into his own
political world, refusing to back him in his dictator-like ways.
Respectfully
Submitted 2nd March, 2000
Karl Goodhew
Secretary
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University of Georgia 