Minutes of the DLS: January 13, 2005

Mr. Ballard started the evening off with
Be it Resolved: The government of the United States is justified in violating claims of individual rights when national security is threatened.

Mr. Elliot then rose, making an empassioned plea for us to heed the words of Winston Churchill when he said, “Those who would sacrifice a little freedom for temporal safety
deserve neither to be safe or free.” This packed slightly less of a wallop when he was informed from the floor that Ben Franklin actually quipped that line.

Mr. Addison supported the resolution because the world is a very dangerous place to be Western and American, and protection is first in our social contract.

Miss Duncan agreed with the spirit of the resolution, but cautioned against suspending rights when the threat was less than grave.

“Rights are pesky little things,” Chris Hansen began his speech, exhorting us to keep personal rights strong in America, because they are our saving grace in a jealous world.

Mr. Earle warned against committing ideological suicide when the government violates our rights. But Mr. Earl, did not the libertarian inside you commit ideological suicide when you applied and were accepted at a state funded university?

Mr. Williamson opposed the resolution on the grounds that violating rights gives in to terrorism. But Mr. Williamson, remember, you can’t spell patriotism with out the PATRIOT act.

Miss Brown said that giving up your rights doesn’t violate you, it’s just smart. She then cited the Japanese internment camps, saying that they made everyone NOT interned feel good about themselves and safe.

Mr. Weiss opposed the resolution because if you give up rights gradually you will forget you ever had them.

“How many innocents must die?” asked Miss Keyes-Blumer as she opposed the resolution because of a German Albanian man held falsely as a terrorist.

Mr. Theiss urged us to get our safety from our liberty, justice and equality rather than from wire taps and guns because it is stronger and better.

The resolution failed 2/4 among members and 3/6 among guests. So, Mr. Ballard, the Demosthenian Literary Society rules AGAINST you being allowed to look into my library records to discover the embarrassing number of Harry Potter records I have been checking out.

Mr. Shanahan then popped his resolution-giving cherry with
Be It Resolved: Social mobility is disappearing in America.

Mr. Williamson informed us of how, because he will have earned 3.2 million dollars by age 59 and ½, he will be donating at least a million to DLS. He implored us to do the same, by sacrificing whatever it takes to save $10,000 a year—a spouse, children, rent, our bodies in the redlight district—because everyone has the opportunity to become rich.

Mr. Addison opposed the resolution because, though it is easier to get money from the government to sit on your ass, it is more difficult to get money to do something with your life.

Mr. Ballard regaled us with the glamourous rags to riches story of his family, who came to Georgia in chains and now have powerful political seats in Georgia. Who could deny a story like that? It only took them 200 years.

Mr. Fleishman, a guest, supported the resolution, but believed that the situation is not that bad on a global scale.

Miss Prabhakar disagreed with the resolution, but admitted to a relative lack of social mobility, which she blamed on corporations making the night’s second reference to the Economist.

Mr. Theiss disagreed with the resolution because although success is not guaranteed, there is an opportunity. He suggested joining the army for this opportunity.

Mr. Earl agreed with the resolution, perhaps the most strongly of all, because social mobility was never a lot, so when it diminishes, it is even worse.

Mr. Elliot agreed with the resolution with all the credibility he had left after starting a sentence, “Has anybody seen the episode of Dave Chappelle where…?” and making an anatomical reference to “hoo-hahs”

Miss Rennert rose to say that the resolution had no basis, because there is no poverty in the United States. Who knew?

Mr. Lewis, another guest, knew social mobility must be working because his father went from being a poor Dutch cheese seller to graduating first in his class at Harvard.

Mr. Hansen spoke next, claiming that social mobility will last only as long as fossil fuels, and warning that when they do run out, it will take seventy slaves to power our shiny new chandelier.

Mr. Moulds claimed that social mobility is so integral to America, that without it, it would not even be America.

After a lengthy recess due to an overactive fire alarm system in the hall brewery—I mean, crawl space, Mr. Misztal’s speech was interrupted, but mainly sang the praises of unions and berated the rich.

The resolution passed 9/7 among members and 3/2 among guests. It was then noted that the resolution is true because there are Democrats in the world.

Mr. Theiss then presented
BIR: Nice guys finish last, in which he acquired six dollars in fines.

Mr. Fleishman then rose to warn us of the dangers of romantic comedies, because that kind of behavior in real life isn’t romantic, it’s grounds for a restraining order.

Miss Prabhakar brought up Bridget Jones’ Diary as a “cinematic counterexample” to Theiss’ interpretation of The Graduate, because in this movie, the nice guy got the girl.

Mr. Elliot countered with that masterpiece, Harold and Kumar go to Whitecastle and cautioned that the dangerous man that women want will get you on COPS.

Mr. Addison enlightened us to the fact that not nice guys get “crazy sex.” He questioned why all of the nicest guys he knows are chronically dateless, but the jerks have a plethora of girls at their disposal.

Mr. Weiss used Back to the Future and Meet the Parents to prove that nice guys can get the girl in film.

Mr. Vick then rose in response to Addison’s query, saying, “I’m a nice guy, and I get crazy sex!” He also reminded us of the left behind series—when the rapture comes, the nice guys will indeed finish first.

Mr. Duffy supported the resolution, because every girl of his acquaintance just wants some Dickens’ Cider.

Mr. Earl shared the Asshole’s guide to getting women, and then diagnosed all women as batshit insane.

Mr. Smith was indignant when he claimed that Mr. Theiss had misinterpreted the Graduate, and countered the spirit of the resolution with the idea that nice guys want girls that treat them like dirt.

Miss Keyes-Blumer rose to vehemently disagree with comments that she found misogynistic.

Mr. McGuire, a guest, suggested that nice guys constantly feel persecuted and advocated finding middle ground.

Miss Hoekstra brought a small bit of rationality and reason to the debate when she said “Movies are not a good gauge of real life!” It’s ok to be single when you are still trying to figure things out for yourself.

Mr. Ballard offered comfort to frustrated men in the room, reminding them that it’s OK to finish last, sometimes taking the time and really investing in people can make the end result that much sweeter.

Mr. Williamson finished the night with an example from Napoleon Dynamite as a nice guy who endured many hardships, and thus, objected to the resolution.

Mr. Theiss noted that the resolution was taken way more seriously than he intended.

It failed 5/10 among members and 1/3 among guests, with Mr. Elliot abstaining because nice guys DO finish last, and that’s always a good thing.

John Henry then gave a committee report on the constitutional committee where he threatened to shoot those who got in his way, and after Mr. Martinson’s critics report, we were adjourned.