Minutes of the DLS: February 3, 2005

The meeting began with a presidential address that sounded more like a flyer for a Unitarian church with goals like “to rediscover our past” and “to be wholly inclusive of all our members.”

Mr. Smith presented:
Be it Resolved: The war on terror is irrelevant.
He compared it to the Wars on Aids, pollution and poverty.

Mr. Williamson disagreed and quipped the quote of the night when he said, “At least 40% of Americans would agree that there are more than nine people in Afghanistan.”

Miss Prabhakar also disagreed with the resolution because the duty of the government is to protect U.S. citizens, not all citizens in the world.

Mr. Shanahan gave an excellent speech supporting the resolution because it is impossible to win the war on terror, but by supporting AIDs research we can show that the US is not only a nation of guns and bombs but also one of…well, of fabulous riches, ready to write a check of any amount to alleviate our guilty conscience.

Mr. Elliot agreed that the War on Terror is irrelevant, but believed that it is important because it distracts us from more important things, like AIDs research.

Mr. Martinson disagreed with the resolution because the importance of life is not by scale. That’s right, Mr. Martinson. It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean that’s important.

Mr. Addison said that if we supported the resolution, we discounted the name of every dead soldier, and the first legitimate election in Iraq.

Mr. Theiss reminded us that there is plenty of research money in the scientific community, because one of his professors was doing an intense study of a relatively common weed. He then wondered why he felt so strange after sneaking one of the professor’s brownies when he wasn’t looking.

Miss Keyes-Blumer rose to agree with the resolution and said that a random election in Iraq is no proof of advancement. I guess I can see how democratic elections would be just the same or worse than completely rigged elections for a murderous, tyrannical dictator.

Mr. Lewis, a guest, disagreed with the resolution because it confused efficiency with relevancy.

Mr. Burkhart then rose to explain the ratios of human life. Sounding a bit Stalinistic himself, he said he would give thirty human lives, to save Einstein. He would also give twenty nine to kill Stalin. He then moved on to his next point, that AIDs only kills unimportant people. His claims were met with deafening silence.

Mr. Duffy urged us to use diplomacy rather than war. If someone would only explain to Africa the importance of Aids, they would understand, and do something about it. Perhaps if we just sit down and talk with North Korea, they’ll stop their nuclear program, too. Oh, wait. We tried that. Several times.

The question was called and the resolution failed 6/7 among members and 1/6 among guests.

Mr. Moulds graced us with his presence and
Be It Resolved: SGA is a necessary good on campus.

I then rose to give a speech about how the negatives of SGA overshadow the positives.

Mr. Williamson then gave a speech about how SGA is a training ground for great political thinkers, and thus is like SGA. I then tore my clothes and wept because someone found us so similar to SGA.

Miss Ward, a guest, then rose to decry SGA because it is not a good voice for the students.

It was then noted that there were only five non officers in the upper chamber.

Mr. Theiss rose to suggest that Demosthenian take over SGA. He thought that people with mad obsessions for power would fit in well here.

A guest disagreed with the resolution because SGA had no impact on him over the past year. The acting secretary noted that he said something about Martians.

Miss Keyes-Blumer agreed with the resolution laid the blame for SGAs suckiness on every one of us, for not voicing our opinions.

The resolution failed 5/4 among members and 0/3 among guests. Mr. Duffy abstained because he does not believe in democratically elected SGA.

Mr. Addison then presented
B.I.R. The D.L.S shall give its blessing to JHT to be a member of the debate team. Respectfully, Matt Addison, R. Prabakhar.

Which mercifully passed w/o debate in a vote by affirmation.

Mr. Burkhart then presented
BIR: Native Americans should have their separate nation status revoked. R.S. Chris Burkhart

One can imagine how much he thinks their lives are worth.

Mr. Moulds disagreed with the resolution because the U.S. has violated every single treaty it has ever made with Native Americans and they only live in the mountains and deserts, anyway.

Mr. Addison attempted to regive an infamous speech by an alumni, Mr. Todd Lewis, but it was noted in the minutes that: Mr. Addison did the Todd Lewis dance. That he sucks at it, and that afterward, Mr. Moulds wants that five minutes of his life back.

Mr. Williamson said that Native Americans should have their own nation status so we can stomp it into the ground. Mr. Williamson, why don’t you pick on someone your own size?

Mr. Fleischman brought up the question of why we want crappy patches of swampland and desert inhabited by obese, diabetic alcoholics.

Mr. Sparks disagreed with the resolution because by allowing casinos, the only form of income, we pay them to store our toxic crap out there.

Mr. Martinson suggested caution when integrating Native Americans with mainstream, because doing it too fast might upset the social balance. Perhaps we should have waited til everyone was ready to integrate the blacks to the south, too. We’d probably still be waiting.

Mr. Elliot condemned separate but equal and supported the resolution as the best thing for Native Americans as a people.

Mr. Duffy said that Native Americans are superior to whites even today for their cheerful attitudes.

Mr. Theiss asserted that reservations are harmful institutions because they keep Native Americans from mingling genetically with others. He volunteered himself to enrich the gene pool by sharing his genetic material with as many young Native Americans as possible.

Mr. Earl claimed that Native Americans had paid their dues to the government in money and land, and there was no need to pay more.

Miss Ward suggested that we kill all the red men out of principle, because no nation was ever established without taking someone else’s land.

The resolution passed 7/5 among members and 0/3 among guests.

Mr. Duffy abstained because Native Americans are superior to whites.

Mr. Earl presented
Be it resolved that midgets should be inserted into all our movies. Darrin Earl.

Mr. Theiss proposed a midget Jesus for the Passion of the Christ, and was subsequently ejected from the upper chamber. It was noted that he was laughing like a little girl.

Mr. Duffy rose with a one line speech that “Small people are evil.”

Mr. Sparks found the resolution irrelevant because the movies he likes already have midgets.

Mr. Fleischman asked us to give midgets even more opportunities for their unusually small hands, like surgery.

It was then noted that Mr. Earl knows about the movie Snow White and the Seven Sexy Dwarves.

Mr. Vick thought that it was more important to include catapults in every movie, but suggested using midgets to propel them.

Sadly, the resolution passed 4/3 among members and 0/1 among guests.
Miss Keyes-Blumer and Mr. Duffy abstained.

And after Mr. Burkhart’s critics report, we were adjourned.