Minutes of the DLS: August 18, 2005

It is the duty of the secretary to record the events of the past. Although it is customary to speak of the happenings of the previous Thursday, I believe that the events of yesterday are sufficiently noteworthy to bear repeating.

On that Day, the Prime Minister of Thailand stated that he would not rest until he discovered which of his ministers had had penis enlargement surgery, and the government of Taiwan stated it would end an anti- AIDS campaign featuring a billboard showing a smiling nun holding a condom. A real Nun was reprimanded for dancing too vigorously in front of the Pope, and the randiest bird in the world, which is always receptive to mating and has copulation sessions lasting 1,500 times longer than the sessions of its closest relatives, was officially placed on the threatened list. Also, for no apparent reason, 35,000 white Pelicans abandoned their babies at their ancestral nesting grounds in North Dakota and emigrated en masse to Canada. Maybe they know something we don’t.

Meanwhile, closer to home, your devoted secretary woke up early, and started the day by reading the Sorrows of Young Werther, a maudlin little nothing of a book made famous by the fact that it had driven at least seventy of its readers to suicide. By the time I had to go to my first class, the hero had met the love of his life, and learned that she was already engaged. I picked up my Demosthenian briefcase so I could type the minutes in my spare time, and started the day.

During the day, I spent time in no fewer than 11 buildings and five busses. I met my lab partner for limnology, and we began a project that involved entering four different streams in 9 locations. In my spare time, I had read Werther, who was now seeing his beloved cavort with her engaged while he contemplated suicide.

At four o’clock in the afternoon, I decided to start typing the minutes, and discovered I had lost my briefcase. I walked back to each of the places where I had entered the streams, and while I walked I read Werther. He had a bad job, and was contemplating suicide. By five, I had finished the tour of the streams, and not found the briefcase. I walked back to my last class, and looked for the case. I asked a custodian if anyone had found it. She said that the lost and found was in a locked closet, and the person with the key would be back in thirty minutes. I read Werther; his beloved had married, and he was contemplating suicide. The person with the key came after forty-five minutes, and immediately said nothing had been found all day. I was getting desperate. I ran to my second-to last classroom. The building was locked. The place where I had had lunch. The person I asked didn’t know what they did with lost things, but maybe Steve would. Steve didn’t. Would Amy? Amy knew, but no black briefcases had been turned in. I jogged from building to building, reading Werther as I went. He had been disgraced at court, and was contemplating suicide. Finally, at ten, I thought of the busses. I ran to my room, where I could call the transit lost and found. Arriving at my door, I realized I had forgotten to take my key in the morning, and couldn’t get in. I ran to the science library, which has the only publicly available phone in the area. Someone was on the phone with his mother. I read. Werther was contemplating his beloved, and contemplating suicide.
The phone was finally free, and I called the lost and found. They had the briefcase, but they were two and a half miles away, and would be in and out. Unaware that campus busses now left campus, I started walking. I was soon passed by a bus. At eleven, I arrived, and no one was there. I read Werther. The novel man was contemplating suicide. Someone finally came. I got the briefcase. I walked to the nearest bus stop. I read Werther. He was thinking about suicide. No bus came, and I finally concluded that the bus had stopped service. I started walking. A bus passed me. I got back to my room, and found a sock on the door. I read Werther. The sniveling brat finally committed suicide. It was 1:30 when I was finally able to enter my room, and begin typing

The Minutes for August 19, 2005

The meeting was called to order at 7:03. There were no fewer than 32 first-time guests and four second dime guests, but there was barely a quorum of members.

In Programs, our esteemed president Mr. Ballard gave an inaugural address detailing Demosthenian history and glory, and several members dislocated their shoulders patting themselves on the back.

Ms. Hannah Johnson gave a moving and lyrical maiden address detailing the misery in Israel and Palestine, and was raucously accepted into membership.

In New Business,

Mr. Dowell rose, stated that “congress needs to get over its problems,” and presented us with the first resolution of the year,

Be it Resolved: Congress should grant full statehood to Washington D.C.
R. S. Stephen Dowell

Ms. McFarland countered with a bevy of facts, stating, “It is in their city constitution that they can’t be a state. They are a facility of government.” Since people are free to choose where to live, they can commute ten miles into the city from the Virginia state line.

Mr. Williamson stated that “it is good to remove the functions of government from the locality of the states.” In order to face the challenge of “no taxation without representation,” we should look for new ways to define representation.

Ms. Brown stated that no one had offered a compelling reason for refusing D.C. statehood. Every state capitol has state representation; why can’t the national capitol have national representation?

Mr. Burkhart reminded us that nearly every state capitol is also the cultural and economic center of the state. If we enfranchise D.C., we run the risk of it will draw power away from existing centers.

Mr. Weiss claimed that Washington is the property of the entire nation. Enfranchising the District would give something to the residents, but only by taking something away from the populace as a whole.

The resolution failed 5-9 among members and 4-17 among guests, with Mr. Weiss abstaining because his care for the issue was proportionate to the size of the district.

Mr. Weiss then rose to offer
BIR: _____________ is what is wrong with America.
R.S. Josh Weiss

The presenter reminded us of the long history of corruption in tobacco, big pharma, and kidvid, and proposed that Advertising Firms are the great evil facing our nation.

Ms. McFarland argued for the War on Drugs. “If I really wanted,” she said, “I could score some heroin in about 20 minutes. Let’s try.” She proposed that our money is better spent on social programs than on “a struggle which frankly can’t be won.”

Ms. Brown stated that the problem was a Lack of Defining Culture in America. We are so concerned with acknowledging everybody’s culture that we have lost our own.

A Guest argued for Ignorance. “Forty percent of high school seniors can’t even name three presidents.”

A Second Guest proposed the BCS, and graced us with a method of correcting the college football playoff system.

Mr. Earl stated, “We’ve heard some great problems with America, but we’ve left out what’s truly vital: Ants…. Ants will tunnel under your home, eat your food, and reduce your belongings to rubble.”

Mr. Theiss then spoke of the Bill of rights. “They are bad because we don’t use them as what they are: duties,” he said. If people use speech to demand death, we should be able to deport them.

A Guest then argued against the Car Culture, and particularly his minivan.

Another Guest cried out against dissent. The Egyptians built works unrivalled even today, and they did not have debate, dissent, or argument. What they had was the Pharaoh. Mr. Guest recommended himself for that office.

Ms. Hines warned us that Poverty will be the downfall of America. Describing the grinding poverty of the poor she has defended, she said, “If we save these people, we will save America.”

Mr. Weiss the Greater then proposed that “the problem with America is that we think we have too many problems.” If we are going to speak of problems, we should also speak of solutions.

Mr. Dowell alleged that the problem with America is the Drinking Age of 21. Just because the law is easily broken does not mean it is not unjust.

The resolution was then split, and the member and guest votes combined by presidential decree. Ants won with 8 votes, with 6 going to ignorance, 4 to Poverty, 4 to the BCS, 3 to the car culture, 2 to the drinking age, 2 to the war on drugs, 1 each to advertising firms, dissenters, and the lack of a definable culture, and none going to the Bill of Rights of the belief that we are riddled with problems.

Mr Weiss the Greater then presented a plug for his job,

BIR: Everyone in the world should read the Newspaper.
R.S. Josh P. Weiss

I then gave a short and incoherent speech.

Ms. Crawford stated that TV and internet news are bad news, and the acting secretary drew “a happy flower for Mr. Hansen.”

Mr. Weiss claimed that newspaper readership is a poor measure of intelligence, and proposed he Rubik’s cube instead. It was then noted that monkeys have been trained to solve the rubik’s cube.

Ms. Koval stated that not everyone deserves to read the paper. Her roommate was a jerk who stole her newspaper.

Ms. Brown asserted that “illiteracy strikes down the resolution.” Giving newspapers to those who can’t read would be a waste of trees.

The resolution passed 9-8 among members and failed 3-6 among guests, with ms. Wilkinson abstaining because Mr. Weiss the Greater is a heartless filthy naughty word. It was noted that you can spell “suck” with the three letters A, J, and C.

Ms. Pearl gave a 15 minute critic’s report, and the meeting adjourned at 10:25.

R.S. Chris Hansen