Minutes of the Demosthenian Literary Society for Thursday, April 20, 2006
Hi. My name is Katie and, like the mother goddess of some vanished faith, I have been known to supply the universe with an infinite fountain of booze. Because of this, many of you have come to see me as a maternal icon. I do not doubt that many of you have secretly compared me to Boulengerula taitanus, a recently-discovered amphibian that lets its young flay it alive and feast on its skin. No doubt you thought that when you elected me to be secretary, I would submit myself to endless angst each week in order to produce pleasant little stories to nurture you with. Nothing could be further from the truth. Rather than comparing me to Boulengerula, it would be more correct to see me as a human incarnation of Xylocaris maculipennis. What is that, you ask? Why, it is a species of bedbug whose lifecycle necessarily involves a process that researcher Adrian Forsyth has majestically described as “homosexual stabbing rape.”
Yes indeed. If you want to know what I will do to this society, you need only observe the terrifying changes that occurred in the mild-mannered Mr. Butt after he became my boy-toy. And you have only yourselves to blame. The fact that my facebook profile openly identifies me as a “grammar whore” should have been sufficient to reveal to you that I love order and discipline.
And with that I show my hand. This entire administration is nothing less than a front for a Heaper takeover. You need only examine the vice president’s sadistic smirk, or the President’s immaculate suit, to realize that we are ALL lovers of order and discipline. Who better than the gentle dominatrix Ms. Wilkinson to get us all marching in a phalanx? Who better than me, a fashion merchandiser, to enforce the mandatory wearing of suits? Our president’s hate of the Heap is world-renowned, but it is self-evident that hating an S&M club can only mean one thing. And really, just what sort of “photojournalism” do you think he’s planning to do?
So now the minutes. Ready? People were elected and that was cool, but it took a decidedly uncool amount of time. Needless to say, all the new officers are in on the coup. Having a judicial council made up of Matt and two sidekicks both named chris is just too cute. Mr. Darsie will control our money, and Ms. Bernhard lusts for the past--when we would all have been her slaves. Her facebook stalking has given her dirt with which she can blackmail each and every one of you. Ms. Buhlig will subdue you with her love chub rub, Ms. Myers gets her kicks from kicks from cleaning up everything dirty, Ms. Brown will be watching and recording everything you do, and as for Ms. Barnett…well, all y’all know what librarians change into in B movies.
That about does it. Of course, fairness requires that I tell you that I was made to say all this by a certain other secretary, but he would like to state that he was merely channeling my thoughts, and would like to encourage everyone that was just insulted to hate me instead of him.
Respectfully submitted,
The secretarial crew. |
University of Georgia 