| Hola, amigos. Word on the street is that this is suicide and
depression awareness week. Like last year, they've scheduled
it to coincide with our elections. I've been told that this
is entirely coincidental. This being the case, I know about
suicide and depression awareness week because the guy who does
PostSecret came and gave a talk the other night. He said he'd
reveal a secret of his own at the end of the talk. For those
of you who missed it, he posted the secret to end all secrets.
Namely, that he made up all of those postcards. Yep. He even
cut out the decorative letters and photos himself. C'mon, folks.
Nobody's really that f*cked up. Actually, that's not true. People
have been sending me secrets of their own this week. Take this
lighthearted example, addressed to yours truly from someone
named Wesley Wiggins:
“Hey...do you realize that you are an asshole? You should
be ashamed of yourself. You remind me of the jackass that killed
all of those people...thoughtless and cruel. What if this picture
got out and a poor VT student saw it? How would you feel? You
probably wouldn't feel anything because you are a heartless
bastard who has no soul. There is a spot reserved for you...in
hell. Thanks for your time you jerk.”
Well, shiver me timbers, Batman. I can't say that I disagree
with him on the “heartless bastard without a soul” part, and
maybe even the “going to hell” part, but gee whillikers, did
he have to bring assholes into this? Goodness gracious. Anyway,
just thought I would give you a sneak preview of the self-important
rambling you'll hear for the next nine hours. Tonight is bound
to be thoroughly depressing, but like the secret man said, don't
commit suicide. We need quorum.
The meeting of Thursday, the 12th of April 2007 was called
to order. Once again, there were no guests present.
There was one petition for membership. Ms. Gonterman catalogued
the different types of “crazy,” and was gloriously welcomed
into the Society, since we like totally rilly rilly like that
Gnarls Barkley song.
Ms. Wilkinson was appointed critic. We had more nominations.
In Committee Reports, Freak and Geek voting is occurring,
the graduation ceremony is in doubt, another literary society
is visiting over the summer, extracurricular activities of members
are being loaded onto the website, the Lost & Found is being
emptied, the John Elliot bake sale is happening, and there is
to be a camping trip.
In New Business, Mr. Sharp noted that Israel's tactics are
polarizing its enemies and creating new types of terror. He
rose to present
BIR: The state of Israel should not exist.
Respectfully submitted,
Casey Sharp
Mr. Addison disagreed, bringing up the culture of hate into
which Palestinians are socialized. Also, Israel is benevolent
compared to the U.S.. He gave his tried and true “butterfly”
anecdote.
Ms. Keyes-Blumer argued that the resolution did not discuss
what Israel actually is, and that if Israel is taken to mean
its post-1967 boundaries, then the resolution should be voted
against. As a functioning democracy, Israel should be supported.
` Mr. Pearl brought up the inequality among Jews and non-Jews
in Israel. The problem is the Israeli government as it currently
exists.
Mr. Vaudo claimed that out of all the minorities ever hated,
Jews are hated the most. If you disregard the suicide bombings,
Israel is a safe haven.
Mr. Ballard disagreed with the premise that Israel's unjust
founding made it an illegitimate state. After all, the U.S.
was founded upon similar principles. Also, Israel's existence
is useful and beneficial.
Mr. Brettschneider said that Israel is a significant arms
distributor, though I'm never quite sure what he's saying when
he's up there.
The question was called, and failed 6 to 18 among members.
It was noted that Mr. Sharp voted against his resolution. He
pulled an Addison, in other words. Mr. Vaudo noted that Mr.
Pearl is a bad Jew for voting against the resolution. Mr. Pearl
then noted that he isn't actually Jewish.
Mr. O'Brien then rose to present
BIR: All federal funding for developing
contraceptives and birth control should be reserved for men
until non-surgical, non-barrier methods have been developed
for male sexual empowerment.
Respectfully submitted,
Kevin O'Brien
Mr. Hansen disagreed, stating that society needs to put more
money into developing new contraceptives for both sexes.
Mr. Pearl reminded the chamber that effective methods of male
birth control already exist, like girlfriends' dads with gun
collections. He went on to say that the dad won't really know
unless she ends up pregnant.
Ms. Bernhard described how society has dictated that the burden
of birth control fall on women alone. Since men don't embrace
that role, the resolution would not be solvent.
Ms. Keyes-Blumer noted that women's methods of contraception
have problems, too, and so more research needs to be done on
male methods.
Mr. Addison soliloquized on the many uses of condoms aside
from birth control. Also, men won't remember to take a pill.
Ms. Barnett argued that the resolution simply shifts the problem
of birth control. More research needs to be done on both women
and men.
I advocated more traditional methods of birth control, which
could be mechanical or herbal in nature.
Mr. Hill said that more options are always helpful.
The question was called and failed 9 to 12 among members.
Our guest voted against it as well.
Mr. Brettschneider then rose to tell us that everything everyone
does is the result of greed, presenting
BIR: Greed is good.
Respectfully submitted,
Daniel Brettschneider
Mr. Sharp argued that the resolution attributes everything
to a single descriptive category. As such the resolution just
plays with words.
Mr. Pearl argued that the resolution defined greed too broadly.
Mr. Williamson clarified that society operates on the fundamental
assumption that greed equals good. Indeed, it is the basis of
Western political thought.
Mr. Hansen said that desire is a part of greed, but immediate
decisions reflect neither desire nor greed. Caring about things
is more important than either of those traits.
Mr. Addison argued that we live in a society based on lust,
not greed. A desire for one another drives people to seek material
gain.
Ms. Herschman noted that greed is not always good.
The question was called and failed 3 to 18 among members.
Our guest voted against, as well.
Mr. Williams then rose to present
BIR: The motion picture rating system is
not keeping young children away from inappropriate material
and should be abolished.
Respectfully submitted,
Patrick Williams
Mr. Dolan responded that the ratings system has some useful
qualities.
Ms. Buhlig said that the burden falls on the parents, and that
it is not the job of the MPAA to decide.
Mr. Pearl said that the MPAA ratings exist for parents who
don't know about the movies.
Ms. Barnett discussed the porn room in her local video store.
Ms. Moxley orated, eloquently and beautifully, about how her
parents owned a video store, in which she watched parents check
the ratings before renting them.
I made the point that the MPAA ratings are symptomatic of
a culture that, instead of raising kids, lets them passively
soak entertainment.
Mr. Steinberg recalled inappropriate children's entertainment,
noting the nudity on “Sesame Street.” He was summarily ejected.
The question was called, and failed 3 to 14 among members
and 1 to 2 among guests.
Mr. Webber then recalled the Red Cross's discrimination against
gays as blood donors, presenting
BIR: The Red Cross is a bigoted organization.
Respectfully submitted,
Ryan Webber
Mr. Addison spoke against, arguing that risk factors, including,
but not limited to, homosexuality, must be mitigated.
Ms. Moxley recalled that, as a lifeguard, she had to watch
a racist Red Cross video, demonstrating the organization's propensity
for intercultural callousness.
Ms. Bernhard argued that the policy is bigoted, but the people
who receive blood ultimately benefit.
Mr. Vaudo reminded the chamber that the Red Cross tests blood
anyway, and thus has no reason to discriminate.
The question was called, and passed 17 to 4 among members
and 3 to 0 among guests. Mr. Sharp noted that if we donated
trans-substantiated communal wine, then the problem would be
solved.
Mr. Vaudo then rose to present
BIR: ___________ should be the new national
anthem
Respectfully submitted,
Zak Vaudo
We then heard members advocate the following songs:
Kottonmouth Kings, Milkshake, the French national anthem only
better, Courtesy of the Red, White & Blue, We Are The Champions,
Old McDonald, Monty Python theme, Imperial March, and Free Bird.
The question was called. Members and guests voted in favor
of the French national anthem, only done better. It was noted
that the Imperial March is Dick Cheney's ringtone.
Mr. Sharp then rose again to recall the use of the term “chamber”
to describe the interior of the Hall. He presented
BIR: Demosthenian Hall is the world's largest
bong.
Respectfully submitted,
Casey Sharp
Mr. Addison disagreed. The hall has always been used for illicit
activity, but these activities have been undertaken by men of
action, a characterization that does not describe pot-smoking
hippies.
Mr. Pearl agreed, since alumni like Crawford Long based their
careers off of psychoactive substances such as ether.
The question was called, and failed 4 to 14 among members.
A guest also voted against. It was noted by Ms. Wilkinson that
the Hall is actually the world's largest “hotbox.”
The meeting was adjourned at 11:25 subject to Ms. Wilkinson's
critic's report.
Respectfully submitted,
William D. Richards
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University of Georgia 